Holding On, focusing on Mind, Body & Soul

Life is weird isn't it - who could have predicted the reality we are currently living in?

We are all living this alternate reality, many of us remaining confined within our homes, adhering to lockdown measures - others coming out the other side and emerging from their homes into a very different world from before.

Mental and physical health issues are more than likely exacerbated by the pandemic as restrictions to access to normal regular supportive care is blocked by measures put in place to stay the viruses progress throughout society. In addition to regular supportive care for existing conditions being inaccessible there are those who are new sufferers, with new conditions needing diagnosing, treating and supporting - how many people are dealing with issues that should be being addressed? 

Grief is abundant as our loved ones become sick and we cannot visit them, some survive whilst others sadly move on to the Summerland. We can't follow the grieving process as we would normally do, no visitation of the deceased in the chapel of rest, no proper funeral service with our friends and family around us and no wake to support each other whilst reminiscing and honouring our loved one. It makes the situation feel surreal making the reality of what has happened difficult to grasp and address.

We are all living in different situations, some alone, some with partners and others with friends and/or family. All have different and unique complications and difficulties to address, being so tightly restricted by the boundary of our homes. I feel for each and everyone of you, whichever situation you find yourself in - none more or less challenging than the other - everything is relative.

Whilst I am lucky to be isolating with my husband and two of my three daughters I am still struggling. Not so much because of not being able to leave my home - that is my normal - I rarely venture out due to limitations of chronic illness.  For those who don't know I'll just name them with a link to each condition which will explain what it is if it isn't something you have come across before - I am admittedly a little greedy and see to have "collected" a few over the years, a collection I would gladly be rid of. These conditions are Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, Fibromyalgia, Hypermobility Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Diverticulitis, Chronic long term depression since the age of 18, and Multiple Allergies - the worst culprits being all forms of fragrance and latex.  

Whilst in lockdown I miss my middle daughter horribly - she lives locally and is so very near for me not to be able to hug her and spend time with her. I know many of you are experiencing this and my heart goes out especially to those of you isolating alone and having to rely on video calls and so on for social contact.

I have only been out of the house four times since lockdown began, once to try and walk in the meadows - it was too exhausting for me and I haven't ventured out since. Then twice in the car - to drive and register a death and then later to attend a funeral. After that weeks went by without trying to go out again. This week I tried to bake flapjack - it was a disaster and no flapjacks were made, however the disastrous flapjacks resulted in chonky yummy oat biscuit things instead. I cut them up and packaged some into a box and my my husband drove me to her home to drop them off for her to cheer her up.

It was wonderful to see her as she opened her front door to retrieve the treats as we waved to her from the roadside. My heart ached as I saw her and the urge to go across to her and hold her in a massive bear hug was immense - but I didn't and instead told her I loved her and felt comforted having seen her. Having a compromised immune system I wore my facemask for the first time whilst we were out - a pack of two made by a woman in her home trying to do what she could to make a living during the pandemic. I took my mask down briefly (but only because no one else was around and we were more than two metres apart - I hasten to add) when her dog was out because he is a puppy (all be it an enormous one) who would have been spooked by it - she had him on his harness and on a long lead so he could approach us for fuss whilst keeping our distance from each other. He is a Bull Mastiff Alsatian cross and gorgeously friendly but at 7 months is bigger than an average Lab and STILL growing!

Here are a couple of photos (and yes the "flapjacks" were more like hobnobs in taste and texture). 

Vegan failed flapjacks but okay if thought as oat chonky biscuits

Said vegan "biscuits" packaged for middle born offspring

Me and my other half - ready to make the deliver of the oat treats

Middle born offspring with her 7 month old puppy - AND HE'S STILL GROWING!

I'm finding my pagan belief to be immensely comforting to me right now - I am utilising different aspects of it to help feed and soothe my mind, body and soul. 

Meditation is not easy for many of us and has taken me a while to get the hang of it but now I really feel the benefit of practicing it. I prefer guided meditations to keep me focussed and so utilise YouTube to search out new and different meditations - I have a few favourites but enjoy trying new ones too. 

I also love Tai Chi, it helps to put on some gentle music and just go through the movements very slowly, emptying the mind and just focusing on moving your body gently, smoothly and slowly as you go through the routine. I have an appalling memory and so often do things wrong and need to sort out the video to work to so that I can get it right each time instead of my usual ad hoc approach. Even better is doing the movements in the garden barefoot on the grass - it feels incredibly primal and helps me to ground myself and tune into both the Tai Chi and nature simultaneously.

I am a member of a online pagan school, which I love, yet focussing my mind on study has been an unexpected difficulty - an obstacle I keep trying to chip away at and has meant my assignments are taking much longer for me to complete and require multiple reviews prior to submission. This made me think of all the students out there from school through to university ages and how the lockdown must be affecting them and their studies and ability to concentrate too.

For me, my personal haven is my garden, it is a small oasis where I can stop, empty my mind and chill. I am fortunate to have a decent sized garden, it is pretty much a blank canvas right now due to building works having wrecked it pretty much. I have some potted plants, a few surviving herbs, some potted patio miniature trees and a large grass area. I am planning how to landscape which is a constantly evolving process as I keep changing my mind.

Right now we have long grass and the wild flowers are growing on the lawn - I want to keep it but my husband doesn't so he compromises by only cutting it now and then so between times I can enjoy the longer grass and flowers. As an additional compromise he has created an area where I can plant wildflowers once we have cultivated the soil from the hard cracked brown area it is at them moment Our raised vegetable plots are waiting for lockdown measures to ease so we can have a large amount of top soil delivered to fill them with - and my greenhouse stands empty waiting for compost, seeds and pots etc to fill it.

So for now I am tending to my existing patio pots and trees, enjoying the wildflowers and the antics of the many varied garden birds that come to see us, along with our squirrel family. Just sitting outside, in all weathers, is awesome - we have a hut on the patio which shelters me from rain and allows me good views of the bird and squirrel feeder.

I like to hold onto my camera and snap random pictures when I can, although I had a period of weeks at the beginning of lockdown when my cameral lay untouched as I lost the desire to do anything.

Now, I focus on coping mechanisms, how to remain sane among the insanity of this situation, ensuring I tend to my mind body and soul as best I can and try to help those I love find their own coping strategy. Sometimes all you can do is stop and listen, just to be there, say nothing and offer silent support and understanding. 

Feeding my spiritual, physical and emotional aspects is helping me through - I won't lie, I'm still finding it a real struggle. The hardest struggle is against my own body, inexplicably its crashed and I am having increased physical and mental exacerbation of symptoms. My mobility has massively been impacted as I struggle just to get up and walk about the home and garden, the idea of a once possible short walk to the local meadow is now out of the question. I have fear of this being a new normal and not improving, however I push that to the back of my mind and am hopeful that with careful daily practice I can improve over time.

This month is chronic invisible awareness month which includes all of my conditions among others. For me lockdown is my everyday - with the exception that I can't see those outside my home who I would normally have visit and the disruption of some services I would normally be utilising. For those of you who are fit and well this reality you are finding yourself in is how many of us with invisible disabilities live all the time. Measures have been made to help everyone in lockdown - measures which were deemed impossible when called for over the years for the disabled population prior to the pandemic. I hope some these measures will continue to be available to disable people once the pandemic is in the rear view mirror - but somehow I have a feeling that this is somewhat an over optimistic hope. 

All I can hope is that you can hold on, focus on balancing the needs of your mind, body and soul during this dark time and have the ability to reach out to others for help should you need it. To find support through phone calls, video calls, letters, conversations through windows or over the garden fence. To have the concentration to focus on that which interests you - be it bird watching, reading, painting, baking (if you can find eggs, flour and sugar - its been ages since I've had any flour or caster sugar for baking), studying a new interest, singing, dancing - whatever it is that helps make you feel alive and happy.

For those of you who are grieving my heart aches for you - I think almost all of us have lost someone during this time, sometimes multiple people and it hurts. Allow yourself to feel grief, anger, loss, hurt  among the vast spectrum of emotions - do whatever it takes to cope with the situation you find yourself in. Scream into a pillow if you are close to others and may scare them - if you are lucky and have space go outside and let out a primal scream, pound the ground, let yourself go and vent. Cry, laugh, shout, scream - whatever works for you. It may be that you just want to be still and quiet - if so take yourself to a quiet safe space and allow yourself the silence and the time to process.

Most of all allow yourself to love yourself and all your flaws - perfection to me is someone who can embrace who they are, just as they are and wholly love themselves. I'm not there yet - but I work towards it perfection is accepting our imperfections, acknowledging, accepting and living with them Working on what needs attention and letting go of others expectations - our lives are ours and therefore we live to satisfy our goals, dreams, ambitions and ethical choices/judgements. If someone is not to your liking you don't have to have them in your life, we don't have to like everyone or be liked by everyone. It's taken me a while to get that - but I'm getting there, it's been a slow process.

Love and tolerance are hard to offer when you don't agree with how a person lives or their beliefs but I am making a concerted effort to practice what I preach. I'm not without fault and have at times fallen short with frustration and anger or disbelief at the actions of others, it is exceptionally difficult at times, especially when I see it having a detrimental impact on others. This is when I have to look at my personal ethical code and decide on how to proceed. 

I hope today is kind to you, that you are holding on and know that at some point in the future the pandemic measures will ease. The fear and anxiety may remain for some time yet - we have no idea where we are going with this virus and how it will shape our future. Perhaps the knowledge that we are all in this together and are not alone in these emotions and thoughts helps - perhaps it doesn't. All I know is that we must be kind to one another, we are all living in different circumstances fighting a common enemy. How we react, behave and cope will be different - keep your heart and mind open to supporting others, even if you disagree with how they may behave - we will never know each others full story and what drives us to behave the way we do. Often with the full facts in front of us we see a competently different picture- its all about perspective.

Love & Blessings

x~X~x